Today, I’ll be talking about something that has been on my heart for a while now. It has been and still is a very sensitive and controversial topic; in the church, on social media and in society at large – premarital sex. It is so controversial that even Christians sometimes don’t like to talk about it. We would rather “mind our business” because we don’t want to offend anyone or for fear of being tagged as “judgemental”. We would rather accommodate every opinion and belief, refusing to hold ourselves and those around us to any standards, all in the name of love and acceptance. But is that really love? I have asked myself this question a couple of times. (Post for another day). And I have been guilty of this. Holding out what my heart feels strongly to speak about because I was skeptical about opinions. But 2 Timothy 1:7 lets me know that God has not given me a spirit of fear (a timid spirit) but of power, love and a sound mind. I will try my very best to talk about this in the way that I feel led to and be practical/real as possible.
So, premarital sex. Is it wrong? If yes, why is it wrong? What exactly is considered premarital sex and what is (sexual) purity? Are there boundaries? Is it even possible or normal to wait till marriage before having sex? And no, this post isn’t just for the females out there. It applies to guys too. Let’s get down to it.
Society tells us that, in this day and age, it is completely ridiculous and out of place to expect people to wait until marriage before having sex for the first time. The message is that if someone does this, that person is “ancient”, a wuss or better still a loser. In Naija lingo, na “dead guy/babe”. But losing out on what exactly? 5 minutes of passion? Dead to what? His/her flesh? The (not so) shocking thing is that, this has been making rounds not just in the world but around Christian circles as well. Because we believe God loves us and Jesus did all the work on the cross of Calvary so no matter what we do, God forgives us. We believe our part is to enjoy salvation, not bother with “old -school traditions”, discipline, self-control and “work” because we live in a dispensation of GRACE. While this is PARTLY true, I think it calls to question our authenticity as true believers if we choose to abuse the beautiful gift of Grace that God has given us through Jesus Christ.
Isn’t our life before Christ and our life after Christ supposed to be different? And this is not about appearing pious on Sundays. I’m talking about being the church every single day of the week. Monday through Saturday. God extends His Grace to us not so that we can go on doing as we please but so that as He grows in us and we become more like Him, we can also be a light unto the world. He is not a sugar daddy that we expect to just dish out blessings whenever we please. He has expectations of us. He is Holy and His Grace calls us to a life of obedience.
James 1:22-25 tells us “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.”
As true Christians, the world needs us. (Romans 8:19). It might hate the way we live. But it needs us. We are the salt of the earth, the light of the world. And our lifestyle preaches louder than the things we say.
Waiting to have sex till you get married is NOT abnormal
Let me start by saying this. Even if you’ve had sex before but you’re now walking in purity and in the fullness and knowledge of God (celibacy), it’s just as if it never happened.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
II Corinthians 5:17 NKJV
“As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
Psalms 103:12 NKJV
It doesn’t matter what any human’s opinion on that is, it doesn’t matter how many people you have been with. God sees you as a new creation as soon as you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, Saviour and Groom.
Also, I have heard many people mistake the fact that being a virgin means one is sexually “pure”. Now while I am all for keeping one’s virginity till marriage (men and women alike), I will like to point out that virginity and purity are two entirely different things. I will elaborate on this in another post some day soon but just to shed more light on this. While virginity is a physical thing and may be about the state of one’s hymen being intact (in the case of some women), purity is more about the mind and the heart – which is what God truly sees. So there’s the case of a virgin who struggles with masturbation/pornography or engages in anal sex/petting/making out just so she can take pride in her hymen staying intact/so he can brag about being a virgin guy but truly that doesn’t depict anything close to purity.
Now that we have settled that, I would go further to add that waiting to have sex is not easy. Especially if you have experienced it before. There’s no super power that celibate people possess and I promise you that the blood flowing through their veins is also red and not blue. They have the same feelings, emotions, desires and sexual drive as everyone. The difference is in the choices they make.
Most people don’t understand that some of our actions either fire up or cool down our sexual drives. We listen to filth, read filth, watch filth and surround ourselves with filth. It’s not rocket science then that we get to “struggle”. The battle against our flesh can only be won with the help of the Holy Spirit and if we don’t fill ourselves with the things that glorify Him and edify us, it is only imperative that we will keep struggling and eventually falling.
Keeping boundaries is an alien concept to this generation but it is so essential.
We can’t be petting, deep kissing and making out and expecting to stay pure in heart – and body. We can’t be accepting random dates, dating unbelievers in a bid to “change them and trying to convert souls for Jesus”. We can’t be “hanging out” in his/her house past midnight or sleeping over and expecting nothing to happen. You WILL fall. I have had people tell me that they can have sleepovers at their boyfriends/girlfriends houses, be on the same bed, and absolutely nothing would happen. That, my friends, is a lie from hell. Because as long blood flows through those veins and there’s an attraction between both parties, even if sexual intercourse does not take place, something else will happen. And that is not protecting or guarding your christian testimony. I know because I have tried it (sleeping over), out of sheer stupidity and thinking I was too spiritually strong to let my guard down. But for the Grace of God, it would have been a different story (sorry, I told you I’d be as real as possible). The bible exhorts us to flee from all appearance of evil. Not just evil in itself but the very appearance of it.
We don’t live pure in order to earn God’s mercy and grace. We can never earn it and we can never be so “strong and righteous” that we feel we can do this on our own. That in itself is idolatry because it’s taking God of of the picture. We live pure as a result of God’s love and because we want to honor Him with our lives.
So, waiting is not abnormal. It’s the standard. God’s standard. Because our bodies are His temple and our first fruit to Him. What is abnormal is having sex outside marriage and encouraging behavior that makes it difficult to stay pure. There’s a lot of drama in marriages today that are as a result of the choices made while couples were still single.
Nothing beats doing it God’s way. Absolutely nothing. It may not guarantee that one’s sex life will be “great” once married (that’s the reason a lot of us give for wanting to test the waters before getting to the marital bed) but at least it can guarantee not having sleepless nights because of pregnancy scares or STDs, dealing with unnecessary soul ties and trust issues. By the way , isn’t marriage supposed to require work? Knowing the person, discovering them and who they are and not just about sex?
If you are waiting, keep up the faith. Lean on God when it gets hard because it will. Pour out your heart to God. He listens and He cares. He gave you that sexual drive and will help you wait..and wait well. Surround yourself with good friends and things that edify you. Cut off everything and everyone that tries to make you live a hormone-driven life. We are not animals. Sex was made to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage and you will have loads of it once you are married so why not just wait?
So what is the point of all of this?
Many of us, ladies especially, are so tied up with getting a ring and wanting to be called someone’s “Mrs” that we miss the whole essence of preparing ourselves and our bodies in the godly way. I have seen some images going all around on social media about how some celebrities waited and then got wifed up – therefore that seems to be the basis of waiting to have sex before getting married. Now while that is not a bad thing, I have news for you. The whole point of keeping yourself from having sex is not marriage. It is part of the point but it’s not he whole point. The whole point is God and doing His will.
I’m saying this because sometimes we have this expectation in our mind that since we are living for God and keeping ourselves till marriage, why is God taking so long to make bring us our spouse? I know because I was this way for a while (I wasn’t in any relationship for 4 years). But I have come to discover that as a single person, the only person God ever prepared me for was Himself. Not a man. Before being anyone’s girlfriend/fiancée/wife, I am first a Christian and a daughter of the Most High and His plans for our lives are so much higher than marriage. His plans and purpose for me are eternal and everlasting.
Man or woman, God cares about you.
He loves you.
He is the only one who completes you.
You are valuable to Him.
He’s still working in all of us to make us like Himself.
The goal is higher – it’s heaven bound, not earthly.
Here’s to wishing you a happy new month, of fresh starts and aced goals. *cheers*
Till my next post,
Sending you all the love in my heart. xxox